I want to hold him, and never let go
by MukamiAri
Summary: A tale of a long-lost childhood love. Following Shinohara Aiko, a woman now in her mid-thirties, reminiscing the choices she did not make, the regrets she could have overcome. One-shot, angst and slight fluff.


~"I want to hold him, and never let go."~

When you were young, the both of you were so close. You played together, smiled together and laughed together. You went to the same school, and grew up together. Everyday, you smiled at him, and he smiled back- nervously, shyly, that dazzling smile that breached all barriers of communication. In class, you sat by each other, and no one said anything about it. You both ate lunch together, and even walked home together. Your parents knew each other too, and that was how you both were. Inseparable.

The days flowed by, and the both of you remained the best of friends. Always smiling together, laughing together, confiding in each other. You now visited each other's houses not only to play and complete school projects, but also just to talk, just to see each other. And then, there were so many trips- To the movies, the annual school trip, karaoke sessions, shopping… You both were the perfect couple.

But of course, you didn't know that.

And soon, the spring when you both entered high school arrived. You thought it would be the same as every other year, but you were so wrong. He grew surprisingly popular amongst the girls, while you remained in the shadows. He started going out with so many other people, while you kept to yourself, only smiling at him in the corridors, rushing past with a brief 'Good day!'. He knew you were trying to avoid him, but every time he tried to talk to you, you simply evaded him.

And soon, his brilliant smile and sideways look were no longer cast at you.

Then he started his part-time job, and he grew further in popularity, topping the rankings, appearing in magazines, TV commercials…

And now you see him everywhere. The television. The radio. Cast in some new movie. Singing in the biggest concert hall. A new music video with his band. On the red carpet. His name, mentioned so many times.

As you scroll through the messages on your phone, you notice how long he hasn't contacted you. You, who used to be his best friend, his only confidant. The last messages were brutal, stabbing at your heart. 'Hey! Is there a reason why you're avoiding me?' 'Um, if you're angry with me it's okay, I guess I'll keep my distance for now.' And then, the last one… 'Sorry, but I'll be moving to Tokyo, the main city area… Tell me if you come, alright? We'll still see each other again!'

With each message you read, your heart only breaks further, now already in millions of pieces. Each is a shard of glass, intricately, painfully, slicing away at the very core of your being.

He had grown and changed so much, from the very person you once knew. He was now making ends meet on his own, living his life in another world. And you only watch from the sidelines, cheering him on, while ignoring the pangs in your heart, with every step he takes further along his road.

And now you are old, and he is a legend. His name is repeated everywhere on the streets. 'Did you see? They released another new single!' 'Oh, the vocalist of the band is really cute, isn't he?' 'I know! He's so cute, I wonder why he isn't married~~~ I'd love to be the lucky bride!'

After all...wasn't it all your fault? You let the opportunity slipped by, you didn't jump at the chance when it presented itself, and despite all the hints he gave, you never told him your true feelings. A tear cascades down your cheek, once so beautiful. You look in the mirror, and see a middle-aged woman staring back at you. A stranger. When did you grow so old, you wonder. Your life had stagnated so long ago.

And then the news came in.

'Good evening, this is Kishimura Riko, reporting from the Japanese Entertainment News channel. Now, onto the latest news! The star beloved by thousands of Japanese girls, capturing their hearts, is announcing a temporary pause in his career! And why is this so? He has announced his intention to marry his childhood sweetheart! With this news having broken thousands of hearts across Japan, he has stepped back from the media spotlight, and now leads his own private life. He will be heading back to his hometown, and…'

You just smile blankly at all this. Of course, he was of the right age already, wasn't he? In fact, you two were much older now, than the average marrying age in Japan. You were thirty-nine, nearly into your forties, an age most Japanese would have considered impossible already.

You've not seen him for so many years, but why does your heart ache so much now? And as the rain lashes against your window, you stare at the street beneath you. People running in the rain, hands outstretched, covering their heads. Others walking briskly with an umbrella. But you see none of this, you only feel that emptiness in your heart.

That feeling is indescribable. It's a pain so blindingly sharp and white, striking you in the chest, leaving you staggering and clutching the open wound. And yet you feel a certain numbness at the same time, as though you've grown indifferent to these attacks, simply fading in and out of existence. And with that numbness comes the feeling of hopelessness, as though everything in the world had died, and the world was left an empty, barren wasteland, nothing more to look forward to, nothing more to live for.

You collapse on the floor, now feeling something well up your throat, as you choke back sobs, with tears streaming down your face like rivers towards the sea, and you feel yourself falling, falling, falling into a dark abyss of nothingness, sinking into a deep pit, the world spinning around you, confusing you, blocking out the light...

And then, the doorbell rings.

You look up, not registering anything, and walk slowly to the door, your mind still reeling.

And as you open the door, you see the shadow of someone so familiar, someone long-lost, long-forgotten… You trip and hold the door frame to steady yourself.

'Aiko...it's been ages…'

And you hear that familiar voice.

'How...have you been?'

You look up at him, and use both hands to cover your mouth, the shock and surprise nearly stopping your heart, as you see the boy you loved as a young girl, now all grown up, the man you hadn't had a chance to tell those three words to, the man you adored, the man who used to be your best friend.

Thousands of thoughts flash across your mind, as you suddenly remember all the times you spent together, all the memories, like glass, transparent but yet existent, all the memories, like crystal, precious beyond words. And you stare, not believing your eyes. Is this a dream? Is this even possible? How could he still remember me?

And he just sweeps down magnificently and hugs you tightly to his chest.

Once again, you are the young girl you once were. You smile, laughing, crying tears of joy as you hug him back, your voice laden with cheer, your heart bursting with happiness. You close your eyes and breathe in deeply, taking in the smell you love so much, burying your head deeply into his neck, as you continue smiling and sniffing away the tears.

And now, you know what you have to do, what you couldn't do all those years ago.

And you prepare yourself mentally, bracing for the possible outcomes.

You pull away from the hug, and stare straight into his eyes, mustering up your confidence.

'I...I like you…! I've liked you since we were young, and I've always liked you ever since!'

And that radiant, beautiful smile of his returns, as your heart beats faster than ever in your chest.

'And you too, Aiko. You've known it for so long, haven't you?'

His deep voice makes you blush more.

'U-um...yeah…'

He laughs and averts your intense gaze, a slight red tinting his cheeks.

'I was such an idiot back then…' A side of his mouth is twitching, and you try to stifle your laughter, but burst out in giggles instead, and he just stares at you for a while, before choruses of laughter erupt as well.

He then finally stops laughing, and, still smiling, he traces the outline of your face with his right hand, before tilting your chin upwards, gazing lovingly at you. And as he moves in closer to your face, you feel your cheeks heat up further, and you close your eyes.

And he softly kisses you.

It's not forceful, but it's gentle, the feeling of his lips against yours. You feel as though fireworks are exploding in your chest, and you don't want to ever let go of this feeling.

Finally, as he pulls away, he smiles at you once again and holds you against him, now burying his face into your back. And you hear the soft whisper meant only for you.

'Aiko...I love you.'

And finally you whisper your answer, the reply you had kept in for years.

'Me too...

I want to hold you, and never let go.

My beloved Ruki.'

And as your mind fills with his name alone, you smile.

'From now on, stay with me always.'

Ruki. My childhood friend. My best friend. And now, the man I love, the man I'll marry.

And most importantly, the man who loves me back.

~END~


End file.
